Q: People are always talking about being an "involved dad," but everyone seems to have a different definition of what that means. What do you say, and how does one go about getting "involved"?
A: Well, in my view, being involved means taking an interest in your child, being supportive, and making him or her a priority in your life. Easier said than done, of course. Here are some specific ways to go about it.
•Get in the car. Drive the carpool, take the kids to music lessons, sports practice, shopping, the bank, and everywhere else you go.
Go to school (theirs, that is). Volunteer to talk to students about what you do, help out in the classroom, and go on field trips. In most schools, men are in short supply, so your being there will be an inspiration to other kids as well as yours, showing them — and the school administration — that men care. Try to never miss parent-teacher conferences, plays, concerts, sporting events, and science fairs. Being there shows your child that you’re interested in him all the time.
Talk, eat, and talk more. Have regular meals together and include some serious conversations about drugs, alcohol, sex, peer pressure, and all the other things you dread discussing. You may have had some of these talks before, and you’ll have them again, so get used to it.
Listen. Kids have plenty to say, and a lot of it’s pretty interesting, too. So set aside some time every day to turn off the cell phone, the television, and the computer and focus 100 percent on your child.
Play. Kids of all ages need plenty of exercise, some they’ll get at school, some they’ll have to get at home. Encourage team sports, but don’t push too hard. She may be good enough to compete in the next Olympics, but is that what she wants, or is it what you want?
Encourage responsibility. This can mean getting a job watering the neighbor’s garden, doing some meal planning (or even cooking), and even scheduling a weekend’s worth of family activities.
Help him develop his own skills and interests. Support his interest in art, music, and anything else (from raising roses to breeding iguanas) he’s interested in exploring. Consider developing a shared activity.
Get out your calendar. Get to know his friends by scheduling play dates and sleepovers and by inviting a friend or two along on some family outings.
Teach. It won’t be long before your child decides she knows everything better than you do. Until then, take advantage of her relatively open mind to take her to interesting places, show her interesting things, and teach her as much about the world as you can.
Book ’em. Kids love being read to and even if he’s reading on his own, there’s no reason to stop. In the unlikely event that your child doesn’t want you to read to him, have him spend 15-20 minutes per night reading to you.
Get a grip. Then loosen it. As your child gets more and more independent, you don’t have to let go of her completely. You do need to step back a little, though, and think about what she really needs and what she wants, as opposed to what you want her to be. That means you’ll need to gradually shift from being involved in everything to being a mentor. It’s hard, but the sooner you get used to it, the better off you — and your child — will be.
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So your baby has arrived and all the excitement has started to die down, but does it seem like you are being a little excluded? Mom is breastfeeding and do you wonder where you fit in when it comes to caring for your newborn?
It should make your heart swell with pride while mom bonds with your newborn, but does it seem to cause you to feel a little left out? Are you thinking there is no way you can bond with your child like a mom can? Watching the bond between your new offspring and partner grow may cause a small bit of jealousy, but don't feel helpless because there are plenty of ways to bond with your new son or daughter. However, you, as the father, have to put forth an effort to create a relationship with your baby.
Many dads feel that women just know that they are instinctively programmed on how to care for a child. In some ways this is true, but it depends on the individual. Not everyone will know how to look after an infant. First time parents sometimes wonder, during the first few weeks, "what have we gotten ourselves into?" For example, a mom who never had close involvement with looking after younger siblings or relatives, her own baby may well be her first proper experience of one. Your partner is likely to be as clueless as you are about the practicalities of looking after a baby. It is not a competition to who knows more or who can get him or her to sleep faster. Work together and bond as a family during this special time in your life.
Tips to stay involved and bond with your baby:
1. From day one, be there: Do your share of diaper-changes, baths and bedtimes right from the start so that you get to know your baby and feel confident looking after them on your own.
2. Bottle time: Give mommy a break. If your child is being breastfed, don’t forget that once breastfeeding is established, your partner can express some breast milk and you can feed it to your baby from a bottle.
3. Read or Blog it up: There is so much literature out there for new dads. It seems every local Atlanta book store has a whole section dedicated to parenting. Sometimes books can only help so much, so take a moment and do a search for some blogs that might help you out with some real-life experiences. For example, OMG I'm A Daddy, Clark Kent's Lunchbox or Luke I Am Your Father are a few blogs that might give an insight to what parenting can be like on a daily basis. You may also want to log on to www.dad-blogs.com or All top Dads to check out more popular daddy blogs. It may make you feel more confident about helping out.
4. Take baby with you: What better way to get to know your baby than to take him or her with you as you do some daily chores? Load up the stroller, in your car, and pack a personal a baby carrier, such as a baby bjorn. You can strap your child into a baby bjorn and get out in the garden or take them shopping with you are at the grocery store. Chances are your baby will enjoy being close to you and the movement may lull them to sleep.
5. Don't sleep through it: Sometimes this schedule change can really warp your brain. Be prepared to take your turn at getting up to put your baby back to sleep during the wee hours of the morning. It is a hard job, but somebody's got to do it. Dads, there is no true excuse not to help out. You may have a full-time job, but your child is a full-time job too. Even if your child is breastfed you can still wake up and go to retrieve him or her from their crib and take them to your partner. Your baby will also recognize that "daddy comes when I cry," and this is an important way to bond with your child.
6. Daddy time isn't hard work: Many dads do not have the option to be a stay at home dad. Some fathers do not get an extended paternity leave or any at all. Dads that work full-time see far less of their new babies than they’d like to due to work pressure so make an effort to get involved when you are around. For example, during weekends or vacation periods. Make a point to have a "dad and baby" bonding experience; such as going for a walk, reading a book, laying on the couch watching
a movie or maybe go for a swim! It does not matter the age of your child, it will create a memory you will always remember.
7. Let daddy try: Don’t fall into the trap of simply handing your baby back to mom when he or she starts to cry. Some infants long for the strength a father's embrace. Do not be surprised if they stop crying once you get into a groove of bouncing or rocking. There are times that your child will only want mommy, but understand there will also be those days where only daddy can soothe the crying babe. Daddy can be just as good at soothing babies as mommy. The feeling of soothing your child,
when no one else can, will supply you with an enormous amount of confidence in being a great father.
The bond of fatherhood is very important. Any guy can be a father, but it takes a real man to be a dad.
Some of you might have noticed that I disappeared off the Huffington Post for three months and that is because I just had a baby, who is now three months old. So with Father's day coming up, I wanted to give a few tips on how to be a good 'first time' Dad. However, even if you are not a new Dad you might find that there are one or two tips that you can take home too.
1.The loaf of bread. It can be very stressful being a new father as you have another mouth to feed. But I have often heard the phrase that 'every baby brings a loaf of bread' and it seems to be true. Ask any of your friend's who already have kids and they will tell you how, in one way or another, 'fortune smiled on them' when the new baby came. Most men are born to be fathers so it makes sense to let the natural transition happen. Keep relaxed and hold the space for your wife and child, as that can be very calming for the whole family, in amongst all the challenges that come with caring for a new member of the family.
2. Give Without Expectations. The reality of having to suddenly share your wife can often be quite hard on a man and many times the man can feel ignored. However, this is usually temporary. Unless you experience it yourself, it is hard to imagine the huge journey and affect the hormonal changes have on a woman, as she endlessly gives her energy out, whether it is during pregnancy, when she gives birth or breast feeding and caring for the baby. The best thing you can do is replenish her with unconditional love and support, and even though it may seem that you are not getting it directly back, remember she has just created a child for you. So learn to say "Yes Dear" and become her support system at this challenging time. It won't last forever.
3. Go on a Date. Please insist that you go on a date by yourselves once a week. Even if you are both really tired, it is important to get in to that routine quickly. You must keep connecting with each other and often it is the man who has to lead on this front at this particular time. Your relationship is number one and even though, in most cases, it is the woman who takes care of the partnership, she is temporarily on sabbatical from that role as so much else is on her mind. You are both shepherding a new soul in to the world, but it is wise to think long term, as eventually your child will leave the nest and you will be left staring at each other across the kitchen table.
4. Create a Routine. Don't be scared to be hands on as much as you can with your baby, so that you create your own special bond. Many men say that they didn't connect with their babies till later on, but a child needs a father as much as a mother from the start, if at all possible. Babies love routines, so create one whereby your baby knows that they are going to spend that particular time with you. Maybe when your baby wakes up it is you who always feeds and plays with them. Or maybe you are the one who always puts them to sleep.
5. Give Your Wife a Break. If you are a hands-on Dad, it will allow the mother to take some time off. Let your partner have one day off a week if possible, so she can get her nails or hair done, go shopping with a friend, or get a massage. This will allow her to feel like a woman again, rather than just a feeding machine. By having a break, she will come back fresh and you will find she will give you much more attention as you have supported her in taking time out to get herself back.
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