Even though some of my mothering skills came naturally, like realizing I could nurse my newborn son, Conrad, while walking up the spiral staircase, my confidence as a new mom was hard-won.
I always assumed there was a book, or a gadget, or one of Angelina Jolie's nannies, who knew how to do everything better than I could.
Worse, I thought my lack of mothering-nerve was a blemish on the image of the perfect mom I wanted to be. (I hadn't yet realized that trying to be perfect was ridiculous.)
I kept my insecurities to myself and continued to shop for stuff I didn't need and buy tomes that were better used as stacking blocks.
Then I got a card from an older family friend, and all she wrote was this: "One day you will feel like you know what you're doing."
Six years, many mistakes, and another baby boy later, I do. But that card let me start to trust myself more every day. Parenting.com: Are you pregnant? 16 signs you might be
Well, dear reader, consider this your own card from an old friend. We've gathered the best, most ingenious it-worked-for-me tips from moms and childcare experts to help you sail, not sob, through all the small but significant day-to-day acts of being a mom. Confidence, here you come.
Three instant-soothers you can count on
1. Try the triple play
Rub lavender essential oil on the back of your neck for a calming scent (feel free to swipe your kid's Johnson & Johnson lotion). Then wrap your baby in a blanket and gently bounce on a fitness ball or the edge of the bed, suggests Jill Wodnick, a doula in Montclair, New Jersey, and mother of Nathaniel, 7, Sebastian, 4, and Emerson, 2.
2. Head to the loo
Need help fast? Run the bathroom fan and faucet. Low, droning noises remind your little one of hearing your heartbeat in utero, says Dr. Altmann, mother of Avrick, 4, and Collen, 2.
3. Create a toddler cocoon
"When toddlers throw tantrums, they often need to block out stimulation in order to calm down," says Corinne G. Catalano, school psychologist at the Ben Samuels Children's Center at Montclair State University.
So instead of picking up your tot, make a "cave" or cocoonlike space by throwing a blanket over a small table and allowing him to climb under it.
If you've got a pop-up kid tent, that will work, too. Give him his lovey and a pillow, and he'll have the soothing sanctuary he needs to regroup.
Help the medicine go down (or in)
Who hasn't squirted Motrin into her toddler's ear when he's putting up a feverish fight?
Take a cue from Mary Poppins and mix a dose of medicine with chocolate syrup, suggests Tanya Altmann, M.D., author of "Mommy Calls".
For toddlers and older babies on solid foods, medicine will seem like a treat!
Another option: Refrigerate OTC meds. Cold can mask the taste. For eyedrops, lay your baby on her back and put a toy on her belly so she'll look down.
If she's old enough to follow directions, just tell her to close her eyes. Place a drop on the inner corner of the eye, right by her nose. When she looks up or opens her eye, the drop will fall right in. (Works for drowsing pets, too!)
Ten things you never knew you could do with one hand
1. text-message
2. make spaghetti
3. feed a pet
4. wrap a present using a mini-shopping bag, tissue, and a stick-on bow
5. brush an older child's hair
6. fold baby clothes and put back in drawers
7. repot a plant
8. write thank-you notes
9. whip up a smoothie
10. tend to husband's personal needs (if you know what we mean)
Parenting.com: Healthy grab-and-go foods: No utensils needed!
Happier hair washing
Turn this often torturous process into something your toddler will look forward to: Treat her to a salon visit right in your own home, suggests Parenting Mom Squad expert Denene Millner, of Snellville, Georgia.
What to do:
1. Talk in a fancy voice and ask her to lie down on the kitchen counter, with her head hanging over the sink, just like she would if she were sitting in the shampoo chair at a salon.
2. Roll Up a towel and put it under her neck for support.
3. Let her lean back and enjoy. Use your fingers to give her a head massage while you shampoo.
4. Rinse, wrap hair up in a turban.
5. Accept kisses as tips.
Better bangs
The unfortunate hallmark of an at-home trim is poorly cut bangs. The secret? Don't cut them from ear to ear. Instead, trim them in from the outside edge of each eyebrow.
Car seats on the fly
Many a parent has suffered a long flight with a crying baby only to discover that she can't get the car seat out of the airplane seat.
Because airline seatbelts open with a pull lever, the belt can easily get wedged in the car-seat back once it has been tightened. If you can't pull the lever, well, you're stuck. Parenting.com: 10 superpowers of pregnant women
Avoid this problem with two solutions that are FAA compliant: Ask your airline attendant for a seat-belt extender, suggests Troy Lanier, coauthor of "DadLabs Guide to Fatherhood."
The extender attaches to and lengthens the belt so you can reach the buckle when deplaning. If you can't get their attention in time, simply turn the buckle over so that the clasp opens in a different direction. Parenting.com: Easy, do-anywhere Pilates moves
How to defuse road rage
We've all been there: You're making great time on a trip home from the mall and then, bam!, traffic. Your child, who was happy moving at 50 miles per hour, is hysterical when your speedometer drops below 10. Some quick tricks to avoid crying jags. Parenting.com: 30+ easy ways to pamper yourself
1. Turn on cool tunes
As soon as you see a stream of brake lights ahead, pop in a customized CD that sings your child's name in every stanza ($14.95 to $19.95; mymusiccd.com).
"When my girls hear their names in a song, they instantly stop crying," says Tomlin, who's the author of "Chaos 2 Calm: The Moms of Multiples' Guide to an Organized Family" and mom of 3-year-old twins, Peyton and Sydney.
2. Dial it in
Low-tone cell-phone ringtones can be calming, says Catalano. And that's why when Nancy Caron's 18-month-old son, Parker, is inconsolable, she whips out her cell phone and plays tones that are heavy on the drum and bass. (If she's in the driver's seat, she pulls over first!)
3. Stash some magnets
Dig out an old metal cake pan or small cookie sheet and load it up with large magnetic pictures or letters (they should be larger than 1¾ inches in diameter). The magic of magnetism can keep them entertained for hours (okay...many, many minutes).
Three nighttime tips
1. Think Big To avoid 2 a.m. diaper leaks, Brooke Harmon of Phoenix puts her son in a diaper one size up: "It absorbs all the pee and never makes a mess."
2. Go backward
Tonia Tomlin of Plano, Texas, got so tired of her twin daughters' late-night ritual of ripping off their pjs that she put their footless zip-up sleepers on backward.
3. Do diaper prep
Pre-fill newborn dipes with ointment before bed to save time during middle-of-the-night changes.
Better mothering through technology
Heather Gibbs Flett and Whitney Moss, authors of "The Rookie Mom's Handbook," offer up four ways to convert your iPhone into the ultimate mother's helper.
1. Make it a baby monitor
You're at a dinner party and are worried you won't hear your sleeping baby in your host's bedroom.
Download the application at codegoo.com/page/baby-monitor ($4.99), then stash your phone near the babe.
If he stirs, your phone will call a number you've chosen (e.g., Daddy's cell).
2. Let it lull
Download the white-noise ambient application ($1.99; tmsoft.com/iphone-whitenoise.html) and place the phone in your baby's car seat or stroller.
The app also offers a variety of sounds, including some as quietly calming as lapping waves and rain.
3. Turn it into a tracker
Log your baby's diaper changes and feedings with the applications at andesigned.net (99¢, $7.99).
Both store a history of your data, in case you need to share it with your doctor.
4. Have it wooo them download the wooo button
(iphoneappreviews.net/2008/08/01/wooo-button). It's simple: You press a button and a man shouts "Wooo!" Kids love it, and it's so harmlessly addictive that you'll be amazed at what you can accomplish!
Must-know multitasker
Now that you have a kid, you'll never get to go to the bathroom alone again. How to master the pee-and-feed with ease.
1. Wear elastic-waist pants or a comfy skirt you can lift with one hand.
2. Get the babe happily latched on.
3. Do your business.
4. Flush later -- no need to chance a startle.
Tasty teething trick
Frozen washcloths are great, but your baby may stay at it longer and get more relief if you add some flavor into the mix. Parenting.com: The REAL way to prep for breastfeeding
Try putting large chunks of these in a mesh teether:
Sour pickles (surprised? kids adore all things tangy)
Cool cucumbers
Sweet carrots
Stand-Up comedy (aka the vertical diaper change)
1. Wrap one arm around your child's belly to hold him still, then tear off the old dipe.
2. Ask him to touch his toes if he can, then use your free hand to wipe.
3. Place new diaper over the front of his body, push it through his legs, and then over his butt.
4.Secure tabs. Hike it up gently, then adjust tabs again if necessarySource
Depending upon how old you are, you may be returning to high school, starting off your freshmen year of college , or even simply taking classes as your time and budget allow. The important thing is that no matter what is going on, you are continuing your education. Your perseverance will ultimately shine through all of the difficult times that come with the territory of being a teen parent, and as your daughter or son grow and evolve into an older and more mature child, he or she will see what you did for yourself and for them.
The number one reason most teen parents seem to give for not continuing their education after the birth of their child is that they don't feel they have the time to dedicate to class work and homework. The truth however is that as a teen parent, you can't afford to not continue your education. Children grow bigger and smarter every single day, and as they become strong confident toddlers, and then bold children, and even on into terrible teenagers - you need to be prepared to secure the life and well being of your individual family unit. The only way to make sure you are able to provide for you and your child is through education, which will open so many doors that have otherwise shut themselves. You can also use your education as a way to validate yourself, and prove that there is so much more to you than just the inexperienced, and scared young parent that people may try to label you as.
If you are heading to school, and your tot is headed to day care, here are some simple ways to make your school days run much smoother:
* Layout both your clothes and your child's clothes the night before: this includes pants, shirts, under garments, socks, shoes, hair brushes, book bags - anything you and your child will need the next morning. By making sure that you've got these set out, you have one less thing to worry about while you're trying to start your day. Check the weather before you lay out your clothes though, so no one ends up wearing sun dresses in the snow.
* Establish a morning routine: It's not just your kid that will benefit from knowing what comes next, you will too! Minimize your morning confusion by having a set of standard practices you and your child adhere to every day. Try waking up, going to the restroom, getting ready, and then helping your little one. If you have an older child, charge them with the responsibility of putting on the clothes you both laid out the night before and washing their face. Make sure you double check their work before you head out the door! Once you arrive at preschool with princess still in her pajamas, you might not have the time to run home and change.
* Maximize your time apart: if you are at school, and your child is at day care or being watched by a gracious friend make sure you are actually spending your time doing the things that need to be done. If you are staying at home and working on homework or a project - turn off the T.V, lock the doors, and hunker down. If you have extra time - spend some of it cleaning - so when your bambino gets home you don't have to fret over the mess you're walking into. If you're at school while you're away from your baby - use free periods or lunch hours to complete your homework, and DO NOT allow yourself to get behind. Time management is a major key to being successful at any stage in life.
* Set an early bed time for your child: Ms. Kimberly Cochran, who earned her High School Diploma, her Certified Nursing Assistant certification, as well as her Bachelor's's degree and Master's Degree after having her daughter at the age of 17 urges that setting an early bedtime for her daughter was one of the most important keys to ensuring her academic success. "Giving Mikayla an early bedtime so that I had the opportunity to get my work done after she went to bed [was something that helped me get this far]. I couldn't have done it otherwise, because I can't work with distractions." Let your child go to bed early, and then get right on your homework. If your child isn't used to going to bed early - it may be a difficult transition at first, but you can help by trying to wake them up a little bit sooner.
* Make lists: The key to feeling as if you can handle your school work, raising your child, and your life is organization. Buy a small notebook, and keep a list of your daily goals, your week goals, and even your month long goals. Write down appointments, errands, and household chores so you can visually see what you have to do, and organize when you do things by level of importance. Lifehack.com offers some great tips on how to get organized, and then stay there.
* Take some R&R: the effects of R&R are grossly underestimated by mothers of every age around the world, and the amount of R&R needed to be effective is greatly overestimated. The truth is that every mother of every age needs some time to themselves to unwind and mentally and physically reset. But also remember, that while it's important to take some "Me Time" it's also important to spend your downtime with your child. Block out time every day where the computer, telephone and TV are off limits, and your only focus is your child. Let them pick the activity or set up something special and fun to do. At night, after they are asleep, try taking between a half hour to an hour twice a week to pamper yourself. Try meditating, or taking a long hot bath and painting your toenails. Be careful though, don't over-indulge and get too lax in your scheduling.
Using these 6 tips will help you keep your feet on the ground, and your heart in the right place as you embark on your adventure through one of the most challenging and rewarding parts of being a young parent. Remember that there will be difficult days, but take those days in stride, and always try to make sure you aren't taking the stress and frustration out on your child. Keep your goals realistic, and in no time you'll be done with your education - and on to more amazing things!
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Q: People are always talking about being an "involved dad," but everyone seems to have a different definition of what that means. What do you say, and how does one go about getting "involved"?
A: Well, in my view, being involved means taking an interest in your child, being supportive, and making him or her a priority in your life. Easier said than done, of course. Here are some specific ways to go about it.
•Get in the car. Drive the carpool, take the kids to music lessons, sports practice, shopping, the bank, and everywhere else you go.
Go to school (theirs, that is). Volunteer to talk to students about what you do, help out in the classroom, and go on field trips. In most schools, men are in short supply, so your being there will be an inspiration to other kids as well as yours, showing them — and the school administration — that men care. Try to never miss parent-teacher conferences, plays, concerts, sporting events, and science fairs. Being there shows your child that you’re interested in him all the time.
Talk, eat, and talk more. Have regular meals together and include some serious conversations about drugs, alcohol, sex, peer pressure, and all the other things you dread discussing. You may have had some of these talks before, and you’ll have them again, so get used to it.
Listen. Kids have plenty to say, and a lot of it’s pretty interesting, too. So set aside some time every day to turn off the cell phone, the television, and the computer and focus 100 percent on your child.
Play. Kids of all ages need plenty of exercise, some they’ll get at school, some they’ll have to get at home. Encourage team sports, but don’t push too hard. She may be good enough to compete in the next Olympics, but is that what she wants, or is it what you want?
Encourage responsibility. This can mean getting a job watering the neighbor’s garden, doing some meal planning (or even cooking), and even scheduling a weekend’s worth of family activities.
Help him develop his own skills and interests. Support his interest in art, music, and anything else (from raising roses to breeding iguanas) he’s interested in exploring. Consider developing a shared activity.
Get out your calendar. Get to know his friends by scheduling play dates and sleepovers and by inviting a friend or two along on some family outings.
Teach. It won’t be long before your child decides she knows everything better than you do. Until then, take advantage of her relatively open mind to take her to interesting places, show her interesting things, and teach her as much about the world as you can.
Book ’em. Kids love being read to and even if he’s reading on his own, there’s no reason to stop. In the unlikely event that your child doesn’t want you to read to him, have him spend 15-20 minutes per night reading to you.
Get a grip. Then loosen it. As your child gets more and more independent, you don’t have to let go of her completely. You do need to step back a little, though, and think about what she really needs and what she wants, as opposed to what you want her to be. That means you’ll need to gradually shift from being involved in everything to being a mentor. It’s hard, but the sooner you get used to it, the better off you — and your child — will be.
Credits to this site.
So much of the imagery surrounding modern parenthood is negative: endless drudgery, chaos, stress, clueless dads and harpy mums. Our childless friends ask us in wide-eyed horror if it’s really as bad as "they" say, and if so, why on earth would anyone have a child?
There is a better way, and Marc and Amy Vachon think they have found it. The Massachusetts couple has developed a parenting style they call "Equally Shared Parenting," or ESP for short. They share their ideas via a website, equallysharedparenting.com and a forthcoming book, Equally Shared Parenting: Rewriting the Rules for a New Generation of Parents. In short, the philosophy behind ESP is that neither spouse acts as understudy or manager to the other, that both are equally competent and responsible in all areas of family life. "ESP couples feel that their lives are happiest if they can both spend about the same amount of time on average in paid work endeavours, in caring for their home, in taking care of their children, and in their own outside interests,?" says Amy Vachon.
Sounds good? We think so too. Here’s Marc and Amy’s suggestions for making such a life work:
It’s not about the laundry. Too often, both Marc and Amy say, people hear about the concept and immediately think it’s about getting a lazy dad to do more. "It’s not what we are saying at all," Marc Vachon says. "I presume (fathers) are working as much as their wives are, and there’s a need to reshuffle things and work as much as you’re working now, but get balance and equality back in your life. It’s so you can live in a place where you like your life, instead of trying to get through life."
For true equality, both of you work outside the home, in paid jobs. While the Vachons stress that the ESP model isn’t a the right answer for every family, it requires that the breadwinning burden is shared as much as all the other aspects of running a family. And there are benefits to that as well. For example, both Marc and Amy work part-time schedules and that allows them more time for everything; having just one of them be the breadwinner wouldn’t allow such flexibility. "Having Amy on board to solve the family breadwinning puzzle allows us to optimise our income and schedule instead of always trying to maximise our income," Marc says.
Look at the recession as an opportunity. While the conventional wisdom says "show up early, stay late, take on extra work" to prove your value to an employer, asking for more flexibility might actually be a good idea in these times, Amy says. Companies might not be able to offer raises, but they might jump at the chance to keep a valued employee at a reduced schedule — and corresponding salary cut. "If our companies are faced with a decision between layoffs and reducing employees hours, we might be able to jump at the chance to try out a new work schedule that could lead to an epiphany about the value of money versus time," Amy says.
Rethink what work means to you. Is it part of a balanced life, or is it at the center of your life? Marc Vachon actually stepped back from the career treadmill well before having kids, transitioning from engineering to an IT job and working a reduced schedule. He did so in order to have time to pursue his other interests and actually enjoy both his job and his life, a pattern that fit well once he and Amy married and their children came along. And while that means he’s unlikely to ever see the corner office and company car, he’s okay with that. "My educational background suggests that I could have chosen a steeper career trajectory with accompanying time commitments," he says, "but I don’t suspect it could have brought me any more joy."
Embrace your own competence as a person, partner and parent. That goes for both partners, and it’s key to the whole idea of equally shared parenting. If you trust your partner to handle things at home as well as you would, that means you can wander off for a bike ride or dance class without feeling guilty, especially since your partner will be getting the same freedom and accommodation of their interests as well. "Neither of us has to do any preparation in order to leave the house or the kids in the capable hands of our spouse, and therefore we are then able to concentrate on simply finding the time to get out," Amy says.
Communicate with each other and adjust if things are getting out of balance. Mark and Amy’s children are six and four years old, and the way they work things out now differs from the way they did it when their kids were young. "That first six months of babydom involves so much sleep deprivation and potential anxiety, and is often a set-up in our culture for women to take on the lion’s share of the caregiving, so we had to be pretty cognisant of staying the course," Amy says. Other times that have required a fair amount of communication and adjustment were a period of unemployment for Marc and currently, while they are writing their book about ESP. But equally shared parenting does not, alas, lead to a partnership and life blissfully free of conflict. "We have to deal with all the same stuff most couples have to deal with, Mark says. "Since we have a framework that we talk about so often, it forces us to talk about things instead of letting it simmer."
Perhaps most importantly, remember that you’re on the same team — something the traditional model of parenting, with its separate spheres for each spouse, does not emphasise. Part of what inspired them to come up with this model of parenting was the negative image of parenting in much of the literature. "Those mummy-misery books scared me, and at the same time made me angry because they never seemed to mention men," Amy says. "I realised that Marc’s role was entirely invisible in these angry depictions of the state of… motherhood, and I held onto the ideal of an equal partnership for dear life all through my first pregnancy."
At heart, Amy says, it’s that neither parent gets an exclusive hold on the "good stuff" — whether that be career satisfaction, time with the kids, or time to themselves. "ESP is not about scorekeeping or making sure the time comes out exactly even; rather, the couple is sustained by the idea that a happy partner makes for a happy relationship, which makes for a great life — and they want to make sure their partner gets his/her fair share of the fun."
As the nation prepares to vote in the smacking referendum, several high-profile Kiwis are asked how they go about the tricky task of parenting without resorting to a whack.
NIGEL LATTA
Clinical psychologist, father of two, author of Mothers Raising Sons, host of The Politically Incorrect Parenting Show
Latta says a child's role is to try to rule the world so parents need a discipline structure.
"It's about having clear lines. You have punishment if they cross the line and there's good stuff if they stay on the other side."
Latta uses an early bedtime scale called "the ladder of certain doom". When his boys behave inappropriately they lose 15 minutes from their bedtime. Around dinner time they ask Latta how much time they've lost and they can either do jobs to make up time or go to bed early.
Latta also advocates boredom as the best tool a parent can have and to use it as a consequence. "When a child is little, a smack can work in a sense it gets their attention, but in my experience it doesn't work anywhere near as well as boredom."
He says although yelling feels good and can be used occasionally, it makes things worse. He recommends sending the child to their room until the parent feels less irritated.
ROBYN MALCOLM
Outrageous Fortune star; mother of Charlie, five, and Peter, two
At the top of Malcolm's toolkit are routine, exhausting the boys' endless energy, and being sympathetic when they are tired or hungry.
"Tired, hungry little boys are the worst creatures on the planet. I'd rather be in the water with a great white shark than in the kitchen with tired, hungry little boys. Look, if I'm tired and hungry I'm a bloody nightmare, and I'm a grown-up."
Malcolm is so hot on routine she has sung her children the same song before bed since they were very small. She focuses on consistency, so the boys are clear on right and wrong.
"If they are aware on a daily basis that certain behaviour is just not acceptable, and like clockwork they do it and there is the same repeated consequence, after a while it just gets boring."
She sets clear boundaries and uses meaningful threats and time out for undesirable behaviour. She says follow-through is crucial. "The minute you go `oh no no no darling if you do that then this will happen' and then nothing happens, they've got you on toast."
MIKE HALL
Bass guitarist with rock band Pluto; father of four girls with wife Kate
Hall rates routine as top of the list for their Auckland household.
"Routine to us is more important than extracurricular activity. Our kids absolutely flourish with routine. Routines can be broken on occasion, but it means they sleep better, they behave better, and they eat better."
Hall began reading parenting books when he became a stepdad to Jaime and Eden when they were both under three. He says he was lucky to have Kate, who was using loss of privilege and time out as techniques, as an influence.
"One of our girls is a really social person and doesn't want to miss out. I love it, but at night time it's problematic she doesn't like the door shut because she can't hear what's going on. So we say `if you don't go to sleep I'm going to close the door'."
He also relies on the support of family, friends, Plunket, books and the internet. "I haven't been afraid to call up my mother-in-law, my sister or sister-in-law and say `look I'm not too sure what to do'. Their idea might not work either, but at least you've had a bit of a brainstorm."
Hall believes smacking is ineffective, and time out works.
"I don't think kids learn any more quickly when they get smacked. Time out and very stern behaviour is just as effective, and it provides techniques for people to use on their own." As a result the two youngest girls (aged three and five) use time out with each other.
PETRA BAGUST
Television presenter, mother of three children (aged two, four and six years)
Bagust says she focuses on providing a constructive, love-based parenting system for her three children.
"As parents we are teachers. I'm passionate about the fact that discipline has to be positive. This is something I'm working towards. I looked at my children one day and I realised you're actual proper fully formed human beings, you will one day be an adult and I must treat you with respect."
Bagust and husband Hamish use time out, but believe the environment it is carried out in is what's important.
"The child just needs to be given a bit of space, to get out of the moment. They still need to be connected to the social environment and more often than not they can be comforted in time out. We will sit with them and say `do you need a cuddle', and `I still love you but that wasn't OK'."
Bagust says she has had to develop realistic expectations of her children. "It's about believing that your child, in their heart, really wants to please you which is something I think we forget.
"I have shouted at my children and I have threatened my children [but] the realisation I had at that moment was it was fear-based parenting."
For parenting advice visit:
www.familiescommission.govt.nz/; www.familyservices.govt.nz/info-for-families/ www.barnardos.org.nz
To take part in the Sunday Star-Times Alternative Smacking Referendum go to www.mysundayview.co.nz/smackingsurvey. The survey closes at 5pm Wednesday July 29.
THE STORY SO FAR
2005: Green MP Sue Bradford introduces bill, removing from the Crimes Act a parent's defence of "reasonable force" in correcting a child.
May 2007: Bill containing compromise amendments passes on third reading and act comes into force the following month.
August 2008: Parliament agrees to referendum after 310,000-strong petition. May 2009: Government announces postal referendum asking "Should a smack as part of good parental correction be a criminal offence in New Zealand?".
June 2009: Prime Minister John Key describes the question as "weird" and says he won't vote. The government is not obliged to take any action as a result of the referendum.
Overindulged children are more the rule than the exception in many American homes, but today's economy is forcing parents to buy and do less for their youngsters. Here are some tips for making thrifty parenting more of a blessing than a curse.
- Stand firm. Children will ask for more and may protest when it doesn't come. Remember that what you're doing is good for them.
- Think character. Waiting teaches children patience, while not always getting what they want teaches them gratitude for what they do receive. Giving to them more carefully and intentionally fosters these life lessons.
- Think priorities. Your dollars only go so far. Focus on the reasons you need to spend wisely. Saving for future home repairs, night classes or rainy days usually is smarter than spending on the latest video games or gadgets.
- Stick to your budget. Few, if any, toys, treats or fun times justify spending more than you can afford. Avoid holiday and vacation expenses that burden you with credit card debt and stress.
- Don't apologize. Try not to blame your "no's" on lack of money. Take credit for your new parenting approach. Rather than saying "we can't afford it," state confidently that it is not a purchase you want to make.
- Don't back down. When the economy rights itself, and your finances improve, don't surrender the hard-won gains you've made. Just because you have more cash doesn't mean that your children will benefit from more things.
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Tips for single moms to build relationships with one another:
To piggyback on my very first article, Single mothers band together to help each other out, I wanted to come back periodically and give you not only updates on the three mothers I focused on , but to give you some tips on how you too can develop similar bonds with other single moms in your neighborhoods and surrounding areas.I think it is extremely important to understand that although we may encounter a situation that leaves us raising our children alone, we most certainly do not have to bare this sometimes overwhelming task all by ourselves. You see, whether you know it or not, you may have a neighbor that only lives houses or even a couple of blocks away that is also holding it down by her lonesome.
Whether you live in Botswana, Africa or in Wilmington, Delaware, you are truly not alone. Here are a few tips to get you started participating in and contributing to the concept of that old saying, " It takes a village to raise a child!"
#1. When you find yourself at your child's school or daycare, speak to other parents and mothers. The only way to meet people is to first ackowledge that you see them. It is kind and curteous to speak to people, whether it is staff or a fellow-parent.
#2. Ask questions and get to know who your children are around and who their parents are.
When your kids are out playing and or participating in events where other kids and parents are a part of, find out who is who. Find out who lives near or around you and what are their names. Do not be afraid to ask children what their parents names are and if you can meet them.
#3. Get acquainted with the parents and moms of other children you know have a single parent household. You may not even realize how either you can help this other parent or how this other parent may be able to help you. You may just find that you need someone to talk to in the interim that your child has an issue that you are not familair with or do not have any experience with. You may simply want another child to be able to stay the night or if your child wants to sleep over a friend's house, you may want to know who the mother is.
In my city, Wilmington, I live in what is known as Southbridge.
We have a facility called the Neighborhood House ( www.neighborhoodhse.org/) and there are several basketball courts in the surrounding area of our neighborhood. We have a couple of Barber shops, corner stores, even a Metro PCS store, a local cleaners and a BP gas station, all within a 10 block radius of walking distance. We have a Firehouse and of course your local Liquor store as well as churches and a few other places of business. There are residents who have lived here for more than 30-40 years. There is no reason that single mothers, fathers and parents can't get to know one another and build relationships to help our youth prosper and become successful in life.
One last tip before I go,
#4. Get your children involved in these programs and recreational facilities and establish a repore with the people helping to occupy your children's time, motivate and encourage them to stay out of trouble and educate them to improve and succeed in their lives. It may feel like we are all alone when the bills are due and not enough money is coming in, or our children encounter situations that bewilder and confuse us at times, but if you at least make an effort to try some of the tips I have suggested, things will get better,one moment, one event, one day at a time. Other people are in place to do their part, so as the parents, single or not, we should give them the benefit of the doubt and share in the responsibility to utilize the help that is available by building relationships with others who are traveling the same road we are, this may make the journey less lonely in the end.
Big thanks to this site.
As parents what we want most for our children is for them to be successful and happy…and to hear us when we give them instruction or direction so that success is easier and less painful for them. Have you been asking yourself lately what you can do to increase positive and meaningful communication with your teenager? Do you ever feel like your talking to a wall? The biggest mistake most parents make with raising their children is not listening and really hearing what their children are communicating. In my daily practice the number one issue most teens describe is that adults (parents) don’t listen. Children want and need to feel valued by others-especially their parents. Try these helpful tips for increasing positive communication with your teenager:
http://www.appleseeds.org/100_Journaling.htm
8) Have a family meeting monthly- Family meetings are so important, especially in families where there are multiple siblings. Sibling rivalry is a big thing, and family meetings can help alleviate competition and chaos. Set one day out of the month when the entire family will meet. During the meeting discuss family chores/ expectations, rules, fun activities, and even meals. The important thing about these family meetings is that the children all get a “say” in the meeting results and everyone has a chance to speak and be heard. It teaches each child to learn to compromise and accept other people’s views and opinions. Each child will get to choose one monthly family activity, choose at least one meal for the month, and they also get to choose their own chores. If the child feels that they have some say in the family events, they will be more likely to follow the family rules because they took part in creating them. To view details on how to hold your own family meeting handout from the Center for Effective Parenting at
The moment children arrive into this world they open our hearts to a flood of intense, raw emotions. Every cry motivates us to soothe their needs and lessen their confusion about this strange new world. We love to watch them play, laugh and learn and we cherish the moments in which we teach them new tasks and guide them to learn the ways of the world.
So why do most parents find it easy to teach the art of a fast-ball or a proper three-point-turn but when it comes to teaching our children about their emotions, we'd rather gloss over the intimate stuff and instead make it our priority to focus on fixing their behavior?
Emotional learning is the most significant kind of learning that happens in the first five years of life. Naming emotions, feeling them fully, without evaluative statements from adults and being able to manage feelings will build the foundation upon which all future learning will rely.
Research by Dr. John Gottman shows that emotional literacy is the most beneficial education you can give a young child. Children who have developed their emotional intelligence with the help of a supportive emotional coach, a.k.a. "parent," do better in school, have an easier time forming and keeping friendships, have fewer behavioral problems and generally lead happier, healthier and less stressful lives.
Gottman’s approach encourages compassionate listening and the validation of needs and feelings. It shows parents how to support their child's roller-coaster of emotions while giving them the language necessary to help them foster their own internal regulation and problem-solving abilities.
The TEACH tool is a 5-step process for conflict resolution based on techniques from the Center for Non Violent Communication and Dr. Gottman's Emotion Coaching.
Follow these five steps when things get heated to stay connected to your child while cultivating an environment ripe for emotional learning.
The TEACH-tool
- Take a minute to BREATHE and OBSERVE. Practice self-empathy to regulate your own feelings. State the situation without judgment or an evaluation.
- Engage and Empathize. Get down on your child’s level. (don’t bark commands from across the room) Make eye contact and notice your child’s and your own body language and tone. Approach the situation with curiosity, using loving words to connect.
- Acknowledge Feelings and Needs. What is my child feeling? (frustration, anger, disconnection, fear) What does my child child need? (attention, affection, acceptance, appreciation, autonomy) Use loving, connected speech to validate needs and feelings.
- Connect and Problem-Solve. Connect with your child using your words, body language and physical contact. (validation, space, a hug, cuddle or removal from area for safety) Investigate the feelings/needs of others. Problem Solve with your child - how can we heal together?
- Help your child put solutions into action. Guide your child toward finding creative solutions that honor the needs and feelings of everyone involved. Let your child suggest solutions on his/her own.
REMEMBER - Play is often the best solution!
Credits to this site.
Married to the military? As the nation thinks about its independence this 4th of July, momlogic gives thought to the service members who protect our country, and the wives and mothers who support them by holding down the home front.
Kimberly Seals Allers: With frequent relocation and limited school options, raising well-adjusted, confident kids takes real parenting moxie. Here are some time-tested and military-mom-approved tips for raising kids in the military lifestyle.
Raising a Military Brat?
With frequent relocation, military kids face a new house, new friends, new schools, and other big changes, sometimes as often as every three years. What's more, their military parent is on an endless cycle of living in the home one minute, being gone the next, and then back again. It's usually up to Mom to create stability, take on the bulk of the parenting role, and make every transition as smooth as possible. How? By having a positive attitude, keeping the lines of communication open, and maintaining consistency in the "how," rather than focus on the "where." Try these military spouse parenting tips:
1) Manage Moving
Moving is part and parcel of the military life. But the kids aren't going to like it if they always hear you complaining about what a h*llhole the new base city is. Be positive. You need to sell it! Use the Internet to find places of interest, their favorite sports activities, or dance programs in the area. Then make the actual move an adventure. Plan some fun activities for the transitional period between leaving the old house and moving into the new one. And see if there are any kid-friendly fun spots along the way if you're driving to your new home.
2) Create Family Traditions
Having family traditions from Friday taco nights to eating out the night before school starts can help the kids have a routine and familiarity no matter where they are.
3) Make School Transitions Easier
For some military kids, it seems that just when they have gotten used to a school, it is time to move again. To help ease the transition, one military spouse contacted the new teacher and set up a pen pal system. The students sent letters and pictures with brief introductions, and her child did the same. By the time they arrived at their new station, her son was looking forward to his new class. If possible, choose a school where there will be other military children. Also, be sure to check out the school's website for any extracurricular activities, and ask the coach or teacher for a peer buddy. Check out Military Students on the Move: A Toolkit for Military Parents (scroll halfway down the page to find the free pdf publication).
4) Develop Single Parent Survival Skills
Let's face it, military spouses are technically single parents most of the time. To keep your sanity and your home running smoothly, get the kids involved in all aspects of the house. Limit the number of activities each child participates in. Ask for help from family and friends. Post chore lists and schedules to make things easier.
5) Keep Kids Close to Extended Family
Cousins, grandparents, and other extended family members are great connectors for your kids. Keep in telephone, e-mail, or webcam communication with family members and visit as often as possible. Including family members on vacations, exchanging photos, e-mails, and letters, and celebrating important life events together are more great ways to stay in touch and create stability for military kids.
So your baby has arrived and all the excitement has started to die down, but does it seem like you are being a little excluded? Mom is breastfeeding and do you wonder where you fit in when it comes to caring for your newborn?
It should make your heart swell with pride while mom bonds with your newborn, but does it seem to cause you to feel a little left out? Are you thinking there is no way you can bond with your child like a mom can? Watching the bond between your new offspring and partner grow may cause a small bit of jealousy, but don't feel helpless because there are plenty of ways to bond with your new son or daughter. However, you, as the father, have to put forth an effort to create a relationship with your baby.
Many dads feel that women just know that they are instinctively programmed on how to care for a child. In some ways this is true, but it depends on the individual. Not everyone will know how to look after an infant. First time parents sometimes wonder, during the first few weeks, "what have we gotten ourselves into?" For example, a mom who never had close involvement with looking after younger siblings or relatives, her own baby may well be her first proper experience of one. Your partner is likely to be as clueless as you are about the practicalities of looking after a baby. It is not a competition to who knows more or who can get him or her to sleep faster. Work together and bond as a family during this special time in your life.
Tips to stay involved and bond with your baby:
1. From day one, be there: Do your share of diaper-changes, baths and bedtimes right from the start so that you get to know your baby and feel confident looking after them on your own.
2. Bottle time: Give mommy a break. If your child is being breastfed, don’t forget that once breastfeeding is established, your partner can express some breast milk and you can feed it to your baby from a bottle.
3. Read or Blog it up: There is so much literature out there for new dads. It seems every local Atlanta book store has a whole section dedicated to parenting. Sometimes books can only help so much, so take a moment and do a search for some blogs that might help you out with some real-life experiences. For example, OMG I'm A Daddy, Clark Kent's Lunchbox or Luke I Am Your Father are a few blogs that might give an insight to what parenting can be like on a daily basis. You may also want to log on to www.dad-blogs.com or All top Dads to check out more popular daddy blogs. It may make you feel more confident about helping out.
4. Take baby with you: What better way to get to know your baby than to take him or her with you as you do some daily chores? Load up the stroller, in your car, and pack a personal a baby carrier, such as a baby bjorn. You can strap your child into a baby bjorn and get out in the garden or take them shopping with you are at the grocery store. Chances are your baby will enjoy being close to you and the movement may lull them to sleep.
5. Don't sleep through it: Sometimes this schedule change can really warp your brain. Be prepared to take your turn at getting up to put your baby back to sleep during the wee hours of the morning. It is a hard job, but somebody's got to do it. Dads, there is no true excuse not to help out. You may have a full-time job, but your child is a full-time job too. Even if your child is breastfed you can still wake up and go to retrieve him or her from their crib and take them to your partner. Your baby will also recognize that "daddy comes when I cry," and this is an important way to bond with your child.
6. Daddy time isn't hard work: Many dads do not have the option to be a stay at home dad. Some fathers do not get an extended paternity leave or any at all. Dads that work full-time see far less of their new babies than they’d like to due to work pressure so make an effort to get involved when you are around. For example, during weekends or vacation periods. Make a point to have a "dad and baby" bonding experience; such as going for a walk, reading a book, laying on the couch watching
a movie or maybe go for a swim! It does not matter the age of your child, it will create a memory you will always remember.
7. Let daddy try: Don’t fall into the trap of simply handing your baby back to mom when he or she starts to cry. Some infants long for the strength a father's embrace. Do not be surprised if they stop crying once you get into a groove of bouncing or rocking. There are times that your child will only want mommy, but understand there will also be those days where only daddy can soothe the crying babe. Daddy can be just as good at soothing babies as mommy. The feeling of soothing your child,
when no one else can, will supply you with an enormous amount of confidence in being a great father.
The bond of fatherhood is very important. Any guy can be a father, but it takes a real man to be a dad.
WASHINGTON -- President Barack Obama is telling young men that when they become fathers, they can "be there" for their children -- even if their own fathers weren't there for them.
It's part of the president's pre-Father's Day focus on responsible parenting and the importance of mentoring.
Obama spoke while visiting a nonprofit program in suburban Washington that trains 18-to-24-year-olds for college or professional work. At Year Up, students get training for high-tech professions and learn personal skills such communication and conflict solving.
The president is also holding a White House town hall today on fatherhood and mentoring, and will address students from local schools on the South Lawn.
The events are intended to kick off a series of forums around the country.
Obama spent most of his own life without a father around. His dad left home in Hawaii when Obama was 2 years old, and the future president saw him only one time after that.
Source
Some of you might have noticed that I disappeared off the Huffington Post for three months and that is because I just had a baby, who is now three months old. So with Father's day coming up, I wanted to give a few tips on how to be a good 'first time' Dad. However, even if you are not a new Dad you might find that there are one or two tips that you can take home too.
1.The loaf of bread. It can be very stressful being a new father as you have another mouth to feed. But I have often heard the phrase that 'every baby brings a loaf of bread' and it seems to be true. Ask any of your friend's who already have kids and they will tell you how, in one way or another, 'fortune smiled on them' when the new baby came. Most men are born to be fathers so it makes sense to let the natural transition happen. Keep relaxed and hold the space for your wife and child, as that can be very calming for the whole family, in amongst all the challenges that come with caring for a new member of the family.
2. Give Without Expectations. The reality of having to suddenly share your wife can often be quite hard on a man and many times the man can feel ignored. However, this is usually temporary. Unless you experience it yourself, it is hard to imagine the huge journey and affect the hormonal changes have on a woman, as she endlessly gives her energy out, whether it is during pregnancy, when she gives birth or breast feeding and caring for the baby. The best thing you can do is replenish her with unconditional love and support, and even though it may seem that you are not getting it directly back, remember she has just created a child for you. So learn to say "Yes Dear" and become her support system at this challenging time. It won't last forever.
3. Go on a Date. Please insist that you go on a date by yourselves once a week. Even if you are both really tired, it is important to get in to that routine quickly. You must keep connecting with each other and often it is the man who has to lead on this front at this particular time. Your relationship is number one and even though, in most cases, it is the woman who takes care of the partnership, she is temporarily on sabbatical from that role as so much else is on her mind. You are both shepherding a new soul in to the world, but it is wise to think long term, as eventually your child will leave the nest and you will be left staring at each other across the kitchen table.
4. Create a Routine. Don't be scared to be hands on as much as you can with your baby, so that you create your own special bond. Many men say that they didn't connect with their babies till later on, but a child needs a father as much as a mother from the start, if at all possible. Babies love routines, so create one whereby your baby knows that they are going to spend that particular time with you. Maybe when your baby wakes up it is you who always feeds and plays with them. Or maybe you are the one who always puts them to sleep.
5. Give Your Wife a Break. If you are a hands-on Dad, it will allow the mother to take some time off. Let your partner have one day off a week if possible, so she can get her nails or hair done, go shopping with a friend, or get a massage. This will allow her to feel like a woman again, rather than just a feeding machine. By having a break, she will come back fresh and you will find she will give you much more attention as you have supported her in taking time out to get herself back.
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