The moment children arrive into this world they open our hearts to a flood of intense, raw emotions. Every cry motivates us to soothe their needs and lessen their confusion about this strange new world. We love to watch them play, laugh and learn and we cherish the moments in which we teach them new tasks and guide them to learn the ways of the world.
So why do most parents find it easy to teach the art of a fast-ball or a proper three-point-turn but when it comes to teaching our children about their emotions, we'd rather gloss over the intimate stuff and instead make it our priority to focus on fixing their behavior?
Emotional learning is the most significant kind of learning that happens in the first five years of life. Naming emotions, feeling them fully, without evaluative statements from adults and being able to manage feelings will build the foundation upon which all future learning will rely.
Research by Dr. John Gottman shows that emotional literacy is the most beneficial education you can give a young child. Children who have developed their emotional intelligence with the help of a supportive emotional coach, a.k.a. "parent," do better in school, have an easier time forming and keeping friendships, have fewer behavioral problems and generally lead happier, healthier and less stressful lives.
Gottman’s approach encourages compassionate listening and the validation of needs and feelings. It shows parents how to support their child's roller-coaster of emotions while giving them the language necessary to help them foster their own internal regulation and problem-solving abilities.
The TEACH tool is a 5-step process for conflict resolution based on techniques from the Center for Non Violent Communication and Dr. Gottman's Emotion Coaching.
Follow these five steps when things get heated to stay connected to your child while cultivating an environment ripe for emotional learning.
The TEACH-tool
- Take a minute to BREATHE and OBSERVE. Practice self-empathy to regulate your own feelings. State the situation without judgment or an evaluation.
- Engage and Empathize. Get down on your child’s level. (don’t bark commands from across the room) Make eye contact and notice your child’s and your own body language and tone. Approach the situation with curiosity, using loving words to connect.
- Acknowledge Feelings and Needs. What is my child feeling? (frustration, anger, disconnection, fear) What does my child child need? (attention, affection, acceptance, appreciation, autonomy) Use loving, connected speech to validate needs and feelings.
- Connect and Problem-Solve. Connect with your child using your words, body language and physical contact. (validation, space, a hug, cuddle or removal from area for safety) Investigate the feelings/needs of others. Problem Solve with your child - how can we heal together?
- Help your child put solutions into action. Guide your child toward finding creative solutions that honor the needs and feelings of everyone involved. Let your child suggest solutions on his/her own.
REMEMBER - Play is often the best solution!
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