As parents what we want most for our children is for them to be successful and happy…and to hear us when we give them instruction or direction so that success is easier and less painful for them. Have you been asking yourself lately what you can do to increase positive and meaningful communication with your teenager? Do you ever feel like your talking to a wall? The biggest mistake most parents make with raising their children is not listening and really hearing what their children are communicating. In my daily practice the number one issue most teens describe is that adults (parents) don’t listen. Children want and need to feel valued by others-especially their parents. Try these helpful tips for increasing positive communication with your teenager:
1) Listen- Sounds easy enough, but for parents this is hard. Many times we are preoccupied with daily stressors or events, that sitting and listening to our children ramble on about the newest developments in texting and twittering is not high on our to do list. If you want the lines of communication to stay open you MUST stop and listen. Don’t just listen with your ears, listen with your eyes and body too. Stop what you are doing, look at your child when they are talking, make eye contact, and make a point to be engaged in the conversation at hand. Think about how many times you have had a conversation with your child and said… “Look at me when I am talking to you..” You want their undivided attention, shouldn’t they expect and be provided the same?
2) Don’t try to solve their problems- The number one reason children stop talking to parents is the “know it all” complex parents have. We may have many years and much more experience than our children BUT they do not always want us to solve their problems. Often times when teens talk to parents about issues they simply need a listening ear- someone to bounce ideas off…they are not looking for your answer to their problem. Allow your child to talk openly. Allow them to finish the conversation and then have them explain how they will handle the situation. For example your teenager is talking to you about John (a not so positive friend) that has recently taken up smoking and asked your son today to try it…I know as a parent you want tell him stop hanging with John, smoking is bad and causes cancer, etc…Instead ask your son how he handled the situation. Then ask … “What will you do next time?” You may have had a similar experience from when you were younger…share that experience and how you handled it. This type of communication let’s your child know you were once vulnerable too. You too had to handle similar conflicts and issues growing up- and survived. This makes you seem more human and less perfect. If your child is struggling for the right answer simply guide him along don’t push your opinions and thoughts on him. This will allow the lines of communication to remain open and also equips your child with the ability to solve problems for him.
3) Take a time out (everyone) - There will be times where everyone in the family needs to take a time out. There will be times your child will push your buttons and you will feel stressed to the max. When you begin to feel overwhelmed or stressed during a conversation with your teen or related to a recent event…take a time out! This will help to ensure that no harsh words are exchanged (that will need to be taken back later) and it also helps to decrease the risk of physical abuse. If you or your teen has issues with anger management this could be a very helpful tool in de-escalating conflicts peacefully. If anger management is something you or a family member may need help with, contact The Exchange Club (www.exchangeclub.net) in Memphis (901-276-2200). They have comprehensive Anger Management classes/ camps throughout the year. When things start to get heated, everyone should go to a different room in the house and calm down. Once everyone is calm you can come back to the table to discuss things further. During the calm down phase you can listen to calming music or journal thoughts and feelings. This type of intervention will teach a valuable lesson- Everyone needs to calm down and everyone gets frustrated, but you must learn to control and manage your anger. Your children will learn to respect you and you are teaching them a very valuable tool for future conflict resolution.
4) Try a parent/ child journal- If you feel that your communication is already stunted try this technique. Children who feel their parents don’t listen will stop trying to verbally communicate because it is too frustrating for them, BUT many times it is easier for teens to write down feelings, needs, concerns, and issues than it is for them to verbalize what is going on. View this page about 100 benefits of journaling-
http://www.appleseeds.org/100_Journaling.htm
http://www.appleseeds.org/100_Journaling.htm
Meet with your child and explain that you know you are not always the easiest person to talk to but you want to be there for them. Hand your child a journal and explain that the journal will be a way for you both to communicate. Each night an entry will be made in the journal. For example your teen might write a simple note to you, and once completed will lay the book on your pillow. You will in turn read the entry and respond and make further notations in the journal and return it to the child. If anything is ever written in the journal that needs further discussion it is understood that the discussion will be calm and free of criticism. Children will disclose a lot if they can write it down instead of talking about the issue.
5) Spend time one on one with each child- Family time is so important. Much research has shown that teens who share one family meal a day with their parents are less likely to use drugs/ alcohol or participate in risky behaviors. Take this concept one step further…each parent should take the time to take each child individually to an activity of their choice. Just having the opportunity to be alone, one-on-one with a parent opens up many doors for possible conversations. Try to make this a monthly event…remember that it doesn’t matter what you do or how much you spend it is more important that you are spending the time together. To read more about the positive impacts spending time one-on-one with your child has go to:
6) Get involved in their lives and know their friends- I know we have all heard the radio commercials where parents are asked if they know what time their favorite show comes on, what the score for last nights game was, or if they know the name of the top draft pick for the NFL….then they ask if the parent knows the name of at least one of their child’s friends/ teachers. This is a very eye opening commercial. We spend so much of our daily energy on things that don’t really have a huge impact on our lives or the loves of our children, but something as simple as the name of our child’s friend could be very important. Make it a point to meet your children’s friends and their families, know what your child’s interests are, and get to know their teachers. Even if you are trying hard as a parent in your home, if you are not monitoring who your children spend time with and where they spend their time you are leaving a lot of room for mayhem.
7) Support them in their interests- I understand that the Plain White Tee’s are something you wash and put in your drawer, but to your child they are a really hip band. Make sure you take the time to listen to their music, get involved in their activities, watch their sports activities/ events, and participate. Your child’s interests will change and you need to be paying enough attention that you can grow with them. For example, your child is interested in drawing and art- Take him for a trip to a local museum, buy him art materials to use at home, sign him up for an art class, buy him books about art, and discuss and review local colleges that offer great art degrees. Your child may be over the whole “art thing” within a month, but showing that you are interested in their talents and strengths will fuel their fire for trying new and exciting things because they know you will be there to back them.
8) Have a family meeting monthly- Family meetings are so important, especially in families where there are multiple siblings. Sibling rivalry is a big thing, and family meetings can help alleviate competition and chaos. Set one day out of the month when the entire family will meet. During the meeting discuss family chores/ expectations, rules, fun activities, and even meals. The important thing about these family meetings is that the children all get a “say” in the meeting results and everyone has a chance to speak and be heard. It teaches each child to learn to compromise and accept other people’s views and opinions. Each child will get to choose one monthly family activity, choose at least one meal for the month, and they also get to choose their own chores. If the child feels that they have some say in the family events, they will be more likely to follow the family rules because they took part in creating them. To view details on how to hold your own family meeting handout from the Center for Effective Parenting at
Here are some more helpful resources for increasing positive communication with you teen:
Keys to Parenting Your Teenager by Don Fontenelle, Ph.D. Copyright © 2000 by Barron's Educational Series, Inc.
