Pregnancy and Parenting Tips

BIRTH Lounge launches the first ever antenatal workshop for pregnant women in Kerala on July 5 at the Harbour View Residency. The problem of being overweight or underweight during pregnancy is one that affects many expectant mothers.

Research proves that what the mother eats in the nine months can impact the baby’s health, as well as her own, for decades to come. Priyanka Idicula, Lamaze certified international child birth educator, brings nutrition strategies to life by showing how a mother can avoid excessive calories but eat well and take in all the required nutrients necessary for the growth of the child.Relaxation and confidence are essential for a positive pregnancy and birthing experience.

The participation and encouragement of a partner also helps to ease discomfort and aids smooth labour and delivery. Partners who take an active role during pregnancy will also cultivate a deeper connection with the child. In this holistic workshop, expectant mothers will learn how to stay in shape during pregnancy, as well as stay on top of the changes in their bodies.Tips on how one should prepare and achieve normal birth will be discussed. Many old wives’ tales/myths / horror stories will be cleared. Expectant couples get to meet other couples, and many go on to form play groups and lifelong friendships with those they meet. Whether it’s a healthier pregnancy, increased knowledge, reduced anxiety, or a greater closeness with the labour partner, this birthing class is one that will surely leave one confident and relaxed. For further registrations, contact birth lounge at 989528319.


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Some of you might have noticed that I disappeared off the Huffington Post for three months and that is because I just had a baby, who is now three months old. So with Father's day coming up, I wanted to give a few tips on how to be a good 'first time' Dad. However, even if you are not a new Dad you might find that there are one or two tips that you can take home too.

1.The loaf of bread. It can be very stressful being a new father as you have another mouth to feed. But I have often heard the phrase that 'every baby brings a loaf of bread' and it seems to be true. Ask any of your friend's who already have kids and they will tell you how, in one way or another, 'fortune smiled on them' when the new baby came. Most men are born to be fathers so it makes sense to let the natural transition happen. Keep relaxed and hold the space for your wife and child, as that can be very calming for the whole family, in amongst all the challenges that come with caring for a new member of the family.

2. Give Without Expectations. The reality of having to suddenly share your wife can often be quite hard on a man and many times the man can feel ignored. However, this is usually temporary. Unless you experience it yourself, it is hard to imagine the huge journey and affect the hormonal changes have on a woman, as she endlessly gives her energy out, whether it is during pregnancy, when she gives birth or breast feeding and caring for the baby. The best thing you can do is replenish her with unconditional love and support, and even though it may seem that you are not getting it directly back, remember she has just created a child for you. So learn to say "Yes Dear" and become her support system at this challenging time. It won't last forever.

3. Go on a Date. Please insist that you go on a date by yourselves once a week. Even if you are both really tired, it is important to get in to that routine quickly. You must keep connecting with each other and often it is the man who has to lead on this front at this particular time. Your relationship is number one and even though, in most cases, it is the woman who takes care of the partnership, she is temporarily on sabbatical from that role as so much else is on her mind. You are both shepherding a new soul in to the world, but it is wise to think long term, as eventually your child will leave the nest and you will be left staring at each other across the kitchen table.

4. Create a Routine. Don't be scared to be hands on as much as you can with your baby, so that you create your own special bond. Many men say that they didn't connect with their babies till later on, but a child needs a father as much as a mother from the start, if at all possible. Babies love routines, so create one whereby your baby knows that they are going to spend that particular time with you. Maybe when your baby wakes up it is you who always feeds and plays with them. Or maybe you are the one who always puts them to sleep.

5. Give Your Wife a Break. If you are a hands-on Dad, it will allow the mother to take some time off. Let your partner have one day off a week if possible, so she can get her nails or hair done, go shopping with a friend, or get a massage. This will allow her to feel like a woman again, rather than just a feeding machine. By having a break, she will come back fresh and you will find she will give you much more attention as you have supported her in taking time out to get herself back.


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Now that the warm weather is finally upon us, and our kids are out and about more, it is important to teach them some tips that will keep them safe.  The following list came home recently in my middle-schooler's backpack, but I think it is worth repeating for all ages. And parents, let's try to remind our children that just because a grown up may be bigger than they are, it does not mean that they are smarter. Be careful and stay safe this summer!

1. ALWAYS let your parents know where you are when you are not at home. If you have a cell phone, use it.

2. DO NOT accept rides. DO keep walking or run if necessary.

3. NEVER walk alone, even during the day. DO try to use the buddy system when you go out, like walking with a friend.

4. DO NOT take short cuts or frequent secluded places. DO stay in well lit areas that are open and near other people.

5. DO stay alert to what is going on around you. Take note of your surroundings.

6. DO make a lot of noise if you are in trouble. DO NOT be afraid to yell, scream, or draw attention to yourself in an emergency. This is a way to let others know that you are in trouble and need help.

7. DO NOT talk to people who you do not know. You DO NOT have to be polite when someone is making you feel uncomfortable or not taking "NO" for an answer. 

8. ALWAYS let someone know, like a parent, relative, police officer, or teacher, if someone has bothered or followed you. Try to get a description of the stranger or stranger's car.

9. DO NOT accept gifts from strangers. Walk away.

10. ALWAYS trust your instincts.


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During pregnancy it's completely natural to worry about your baby and your body. In fact, there's probably not much else on your mind!

You'll experience a range of emotions including excitement, impatience and sometimes nerves and anxiety. Getting stressed out isn't good for you, so we've got experts to answer your most common questions throughout the whole of your pregnancy - so if you're at the early stages remember to come back later.

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It's hard to believe it's June and soon most students will have completed another school year. Some look forward to the long stretch without homework and school-related responsibilities with excitement. Others feel apprehensive about not seeing their pals every day, are sorry to say goodbye to a special teacher and will miss the routine that a school day provides.

As parents, we often look towards the summer holidays with mixed emotions - we're glad to be free of school lunch preparation first thing every morning, figuring out car pool schedules and extra-curricular activities for a couple of months. However, we often worry about how we'll fill so much time off school - especially if we're working parents.

With this in mind, here are ten tips to help keep your kids out of trouble and you from going crazy over the summer holidays.

1. Maintain some routine. Children (and adults) thrive on predictability. Although the summer months need not be nearly as regimented as those during the school year, it's reassuring to know that there is a certain amount of predictability and routine in one's schedule. Some productivity during the summer months is not a bad thing.


2. Plan ahead. Our family lives by our calendars. Children as young as the age of eight, or thereabouts, can benefit from learning how to plan for the weeks or months ahead with the aid of a calendar that shows the month at a glance. As the school year ends, my husband, our children and I sit together with our respective calendars (our youngest feels very grown up as she writes events onto her calendar) so that we can all be on the same page so to speak. This also helps us figure out which days or weeks work best for us to spend time as a family.

3. Balance is important. As you think of the summer, consider that each of you will benefit from time alone, time with friends and time as a family. I encourage my children to take some time for themselves after school ends, then to get back into something more productive after that period of rejuvenation. For a younger child, day or overnight camp is a perfect level of summer holiday productivity. For an older child, a position as a camp counsellor or working at an office or store - even part time - would be good use of time. Balance productive time with leisure time.

4. Focus on something new. Even though I don't advocate many extra-curricular activities during the summer holidays, your child may benefit from focussing on something that he or she didn't have time for during the school year - learning to play guitar or a new language, for example. Or soccer or swim lessons. The same is true for you. Summer may free you up to try something new too.

5. Keep brain cells from dying. Even though it's tempting to put away anything that remotely resembles school work, try to maintain some connection to what the kids learned in their previous school year. Try to have fun while doing so - complete worksheets specifically designed for students in their grade or play games that foster learning without them even realizing it.

6. Don't let hanging out at the mall be an option. I sometimes hear working parents say that their children refuse to attend any kind of structured program or can't find work. Sadly, many of these children, as young as 12, are left unsupervised for long periods of time. This is a recipe for disaster. There's only so much time that kids can hang out in malls or at the park before they're looking for more exciting entertainment. If you allow your children to get involved in activities that wouldn't be acceptable during the school year, you may find that your exception becomes the rule. That slippery slope of summer can be a difficult one to climb back up as the school year draws closer.

7. Plan time together as a family. Summer time is perfect for getting outside and enjoying each other's company. Day trips, going for ice cream on a nice summer evening, sitting outside on a restaurant patio or vacations are great ways of getting out of the house and reconnecting. With more daylight, even going for walks in the neighbourhood is a great way of connecting - with neighbours who have been in hibernation too!

8. Create a to-do list together. If you create a list at the beginning of summer, then when your child inevitably says "I'm bored," you can remind him or her of all the great things they wanted to do. That craft set that she received as a birthday gift months earlier, organizing his photos into an album or sorting through school projects and deciding which to keep.

9. Don't forget old friends. While keeping busy in alternate summer programs, your children may create new friendships. However, encourage connections with old school friends during the summer months. That way, the transition back to school will be an easier one.

10. Take time for yourself. Although a large part of summer holiday planning will likely include your children, don't forget about your own needs. Don't over-extend yourself. Take time for yourself, your friends and your partner. Use this time to rejuvenate before you too gear up for another school year - maybe with a one- or two-day getaway.


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ALTHOUGH I still have to be on bed rest, I am looking forward to hitting my second trimester. Hopefully the dizziness, grouchiness, and sluggishness I’m feeling will slowly disappear.

At the moment, I can’t even seem to want to brush my hair. The only thing that seems inviting is to soak in the tub to ward off the unbearable heat, which seems to be radiating from my body. Now I know why they say every pregnancy is different.

A few weeks back, I was with my son in Powerplant and bumped into Daphne Oseña-Paez. It was only after five minutes of chatting that I noticed she was pregnant. But she looked so good!

It also surprised me to find out she was on her third trimester. I asked her to share five pampering tips for pregnant women since I know we sometimes need help in taking care of ourselves at this delicate time.

Here’s what Daphne shared:

Get a pedicure. An occasional pedicure won’t hurt. But stay away from foot spas, since they can trigger contractions. It’s best to bring your own pedicure gadgets so you are sure the items are clean. Since you will most likely wear flats and open-toed shoes for a few months, having pretty toes can really be a boost.
Have your hair shampooed and blow-dried at a salon. Pregnant women should stay away from chemical treatments and hair-dyes. In order to feel glamorous or, at least, neat, I have been treating myself to regular washes and blowouts at the salon, in the process discovering some inexpensive neighborhood places. Sometimes I bring my own shampoo, conditioner and brushes to ensure quality and hygiene.
The service? Not bad for P150.

When I’m due for a major function or appearance, I head to Emphasis Salon.
Go for regular facial cleaning with a dermatologist. Just because you’re pregnant doesn’t mean you should forget about skin care. There are creams and ointments that are forbidden for pregnant women, such as retinoic acid and other whitening products. Given the hormonal imbalance that can cause breakouts and darkening, a visit to a dermatologist can help.

I haven’t stopped going for monthly cleaning with my dermatologist, Doctor Gilbert Yang. No lasers and fancy creams for me; he just cleans my pores and clears away whiteheads. When my skin gets too dry, I apply Olay Total Effects.

Slather on tummy cream. I don’t believe any cream or oil can totally eradicate the stretch marks. But some products can give relief from dryness and itchiness (scratching eventually might cause scars).

During my first two pregnancies, I splurged on Clarins Tonic Oil. I didn’t get any stretch marks. For this pregnancy, I’ve discovered a more budget-friendly solution to my dry and itchy growing tummy: Palmer’s Organics Tummy Butter for Stretch Marks. It’s one-fifth cheaper than Clarins Tonic Oil. It has Vitamin E, collagen, elastin and soothing lavender, and it’s paraben-free and mineral oil-free. I get the same relief at a much lower price. And I love the smell.

Wear makeup and get dressed up. I was in a rut during my first trimester. All I wanted to do was lie in bed like a sloth. But because I had to continue working (as host of “Urban Zone”), I had to get dolled up at least once a week. I had to wear nice outfits and full makeup.

For those who don’t work in front of the camera, I highly suggest you make an effort to look good. Even minimal makeup can boost your mood and self-image. Put on some lip gloss and blush. Or if you want to go the extra mile, play with eye makeup.

Now is also the time to enjoy fashion. There are a lot of non-maternity clothes available off-the-rack, and these can take you up to your 40th week.


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For parents strapped for money in the downturned economy, community colleges offer an excellent education for the first two years of college, and at a fraction of the cost of university courses.

California, for example, has 2 million students at 110 campuses. The cost is only $20 per unit.

Thanks to the parents who shared one of their kid tips with us this week.

STARTING A NEIGHBORHOOD BUSINESS -- Our twin boys are adults now, but when they were teenagers, they complained about never having enough money. So I came up with a plan, which they enthusiastically endorsed: I fronted the money for a drivable mower that also came equipped with a rototiller and a plow.

The three of us would be co-owners, so each boy owed me a third of the cost. The boys quickly had more than 20 customers per week (mowing and tilling in the summer, and snowplowing in the winter). They paid me back sooner than expected. As businessmen, they gained valuable experience working with adult customers, billing and budgeting their time and money. It was a great job, considering the alternative of working for minimum wage at a fast-food restaurant. Sometimes, parents need to invest their time, creativity and resources to help their kids get started in an activity. -- J. Rogers, Johnstown, Pa.

A BAND-AID -- INSIDE AND OUT -- So everyone (especially playmates) knows where the sore spot is, I put a Band-Aid on the outside of the clothing over the sore spot. -- D.M., Fremont

URINE CARPET STAINS -- I first learned this tip as a pet owner, but also found it useful as a mom of three children. Club soda works great for removing urine stains on carpets. First, blot up as much urine as possible. Pour club soda on the stain and let the bubbles do the work. Soak it up with a cloth or sponge, then rinse with plain water. -- B.W.M., Knoxville, Tenn.

"WE LIKE HOW OUR CHILDREN TURNED OUT" -- Parenting toddlers teaches you that you can't eat, sleep or go to the bathroom for your kids. Parenting teens teaches you that you can't succeed for them or do their hurting for them, either. Be very clear about who owns what dreams and whose problems are whose. Our sons are not turning out to be quite the people we expected, but they are turning out to be the people they are comfortable being. We've discovered that we like that -- and them -- a lot. -- J.G., Fairport, N.Y.

Around the world, all babies have the same needs – to sleep, to be fed and to be responded to when they cry. As children grow, all parents face decisions regarding discipline, norms of behavior and how best to prepare their children for successful adulthood in their culture. Yet in the United States, Eurocentric, middle-class, culturally based judgments regarding the “best” approaches to child raising are presented as “conventional” wisdom in the numerous mainstream parenting books and resources available. Ubiquitous parenting books and magazines debate the merits of one parenting style or another. Put your baby in a crib or co-sleep? Negotiate with your child or set strict boundaries?

These resources ignore many questions. Where do these norms of behavior come from? Who decided that my child should grow, eat, behave according to these percentiles and milestones and what were their cultural values and perspectives? For parents of color, the situation becomes more complex. Our cultures bring with them thousands of years of human development from around the globe, with varying yet valid approaches to raising children. Yet, are our cultural traditions and expertise included in the canon of parenting resources used by pediatricians and child-development specialists? Are our styles of parenting seen as “wrong” instead of just “different”? How can we expand the notions of what is “right” to include the wisdom and experience of people across many cultures?

Unfortunately, the lack of research and discussion of these issues leaves many parents of color questioning their approach. Worse, the lack of culturally competent research can leave parents of color discounting all Western conventional wisdom. The stakes can be high for children, as practices such as breastfeeding have real benefits but suffer from continued stigma, the intentional spread of baby formula by Western corporations and a work climate hostile to nursing mothers.

Ten years ago, to better understand these issues and to attempt to add cultural complexity to the child-development field, the field of ethnopediatrics was born. A group of pediatricians, child-development researchers, and anthropologists, notably Carol Worthman of Emory University, gathered in Atlanta and presented a series of papers on this new branch of research: the study of child-rearing practices across cultures.

Not surprisingly, what the group found is that most parents in the world do not follow the advice of popular U.S. parenting experts Dr. Spock, Penelope Leach or Dr. Sears.

Parents of color

For parents of color trying to lay the best foundation for their children, the lack of culturally relevant parenting resources can be frustrating. While there are a few books pertaining to one culture or another, such as Gloria Rodriguez’s “Raising Nuestros Ninos: Bringing Up Latino Children in a Bicultural World,” few examine the cultural biases of the dominant culture’s parenting establishment. Even fewer look at the ways in which parents of color can preserve their cultural traditions as well as add others to their cultural “toolbox” as well.

While it can be difficult to trace how child-rearing practices have been retained and transformed by American families of color, there are numerous differences between how children of color are raised versus white children. Much has been written in the African-American media, for example, about the different approaches taken by Euro-American and African-American parents regarding discipline. Many Asian Americans still value “Hsiao,” the Confucian ethic of familial love, which includes reverence of elders and ancestors. And while Euro-American Western culture emphasizes the nuclear family, many communities of color structure their families into kinship groups.

One avenue to broadening the definition of a “normal” child is through education. To this end, in November, a new college was founded in Seattle called The Praxis Institute for Early Childhood Education. The word “praxis” means practical application or exercise of a branch of learning, but to founder Debra Sullivan it has a more refined definition, taken from the work of Brazilian educationalist Paolo Freire: “Theory, action and reflection for critical social change.”

The college will prepare early-childhood educators to teach diverse children – children from low-income families, children of color and those who need training in English as a Second Language. “If teachers can increase their own cultural competency,” says Sullivan, “that will lead to more success for children, and eventually to social change and social justice.”

As an African-American mother, Sullivan has some personal observations about her parenting style and that of other black parents. Her observation is that black parents are generally firmer and more explicit than white parents, with clarity of both direction and expectation. “We have an advantage over white parents,” she says, “because we have a larger parental toolbox. We have no choice but to acculturate.” Black parents have learned white parenting methods by unavoidable osmosis, but few white parents know black parenting methods. “I know white parents better than they know me,” says Sullivan.

Sullivan says black parents do not feel that their parenting methods are wrong, but sometimes they feel disapproved of by white parents. This is usually because their style is misunderstood.

For example, Sullivan says, black parents sometimes do not demonstrate that they are in touch emotionally with their children in ways that white parents would expect. “We roughhouse, but we aren’t touch-feely,“ she says. “We read our children’s body language better.”

Another example is the game “playing the dozens,” in which people exchange insults, trying to outdo each other. “It is not rude,” explains Sullivan. “The point is how you use language. It’s verbal jousting.”

She adds that some black parents provide fewer “manipulatives” (what people in her profession call toys) to their children than do white parents. “Black children’s games tend to be more collaborative, less competitive. They play verbal games, hand games, and call and response games.” This is a living relic of their African ancestors.

Understanding cultural origins of modern behavior is further complicated by historical realities such as slavery.
Dr. Joy DeGruy-Leary, a professor of social work at Portland State University, has developed a theory called “Post Traumatic Slave Syndrome” (PTSS), which proposes that the trauma of slavery has been passed down through the generations and accounts for troubling practices that continue today. One of these behaviors is making denigrating statements about children.

Before emancipation, this was done to dissuade the slave master from molesting or selling children. It was such a profoundly ingrained survival mechanism that it persists to this day. But, says DeGruy-Leary, “It is not our whole story.” She believes that African Americans are capable of addressing uncomfortable issues. By shining a light on PTSS, she hopes to dispel it.

Frustration with the lack of culturally competent parenting resources for African Americans led Philadelphia’s Janice M. Robinson to create her own publication in 1995 called “Successful Black Parenting Magazine.” As a child-development specialist, Robinson found that mainstream articles and resources that she would give to parents of color did not resonate with their experience. To address this, she launched the now-defunct magazine to give African-American parents help from their own cultural perspective.

In addition to efforts to cultivate change in the private sector, Seattle’s city government is also trying to diversify its public services. The Human Services Department has several childcare task forces separately focused on the African-American, Asian/Pacific Islander, Latino and Native American communities. Children in these communities speak different languages, have different family values, eat different foods and have different traditions, including pedagogical ones.

Native Americans, for example, traditionally allowed their children to learn through their own observations, and instructed their children with nonverbal cues rather than giving verbal directions. It makes sense that children with varying backgrounds would have distinctive curricular needs. The task forces assess these needs in minute detail.

Rice and spice

Unexamined culturally based approaches to parenting can result in decades of misguided “authoritative” wisdom passed on by anxious parents and parenting experts. One such example is in feeding babies. In the U.S., the modern history of feeding babies has been fraught with stigma, Puritan mores regarding propriety as well the insidious influence of formula marketing that told American parents that breastfeeding was not only difficult and time-consuming but not as good as formula for babies’ growth and development. According to La Lache League, by 1956 U.S. breastfeeding rates were down to 20 percent. Today, the issue has come full circle, with breastfeeding advocates struggling to bring back breastfeeding and reverse the decline. Yet for many women of color, years of stigma around wet nursing and the “backwardness” of breastfeeding still linger, and women of color continue to have lower rates of breastfeeding.

Further, as babies grow older, pediatricians and child experts advise the addition of rice cereal to supplement a baby’s diet. However according to a recent story by the Associated Press, much of what is accepted wisdom about baby food is not based in science. Dr. David Bergman, a Stanford University pediatrics professor, says, “There’s a bunch of mythology out there about this. There’s not much evidence to support any particular way of doing things.” The story reported that there is no scientific basis for rice cereal and bland baby food as the first foods that should be introduced to a baby and that the conventional wisdom – repeated thousands of times by Western pediatricians and others – that spices are bad for babies is largely unfounded. The researchers found that across the world, parents feed their babies largely what they are eating and children suffer no ill affects. The researchers also found that children who are exposed to a range of food, including spicy foods, develop more advanced palates in later years and are then able to enjoy a wider range of food options. This flies in the faces of decades of conventional wisdom in the U.S.

Immigrants and parenting

What happens to the kaleidoscope of world parenting methods when they are first brought to the United States?
“In the U.S., that tends to mean non-Europeans” – Americans of color, refugees, and other immigrants – says Dr. Ellie Graham, a pediatrician at Harborview Medical Center who treats children from low-income families.

Over the years, the needs of refugee families have heightened Graham’s interest in cultural differences. “What distinguishes these families from others,” she says, “is their anxieties.”

She gives an example: malnutrition. About 50 percent of children who die worldwide die from malnutrition, not a disease per se. “Because of malnutrition, they can’t mount a defense against disease,” Graham explains.

Consequently, when they come to America, “some refugee parents want to see their children plump,” she says. They overcompensate, discounting the dangers of obesity.
Another anxiety of refugee parents is infant gastroenteritis, or diarrhea and vomiting. In the U.S., doctors often prescribe extra fluids like Pedialyte for re-hydration, but symptoms may not stop for a few days.
In Africa, gastroenteritis is a more urgent matter. An African baby with gastroenteritis would be placed on an I.V., because many African babies die from the condition. “Perhaps an African parent has witnessed that,” says Graham. “A few days is a long time to them.”

Something she stresses to medical interns and residents is that they must better understand where the patient is coming from. “Empathy fosters better communication,” she says.
Harborview makes a concerted effort to understand traditional healing methods from around the world. Overall, Harborview provides interpretation services in 83 languages. In addition, there are online services.

One responsibility of Ellen Howard, who heads the K.K. Sherwood Library at Harborview, is to oversee a Web site called EthnoMed (ethnomed.org). “We’re very pragmatic,” says Howard. “EthnoMed is not a research tool, it’s a clinical tool – we want to increase understanding and communication when we’re trying to treat someone,” including infants and children.

Information about a particular traditional healing practice is gathered and then reviewed, not just by medical practitioners, but also by people from the relevant culture. Then it is posted and continually updated, and corrected. “We receive lots of feedback about word use, spelling, and whether or not the entire gist of an idea makes sense,” Howard says.

EthnoMed focuses on groups that need it most. There are 10 culture-specific pages, from Amharic to Vietnamese, and 12 more under “other.”

Graham has found that inter-generational conflict in immigrant families has more to do with behavior than illness or other physical matters. A Filipina grandmother, for example, thinks her American grandchildren are rude because they look her in the eye. In the Philippines, young people never look their elders in the eye.

Mergitu Argo, an East African family advocate and project coordinator at the Refugee Women’s Alliance (ReWA), agrees with Graham. “Refugee families want to raise their kids the old way,” she says, “but kids want to be raised the American way.” Argo is a refugee herself, from Ethiopia (see sidebar page 13).

Originally founded for women, ReWA now also opens its doors to men. Among its many programs are parenting classes and support groups. In parenting classes they teach how to raise a bilingual child, incorporating what they see as good parenting methods from both old and new cultures.

Tsege Tsegay, also from Ethiopia, teaches a parenting class at ReWA. The current class consists of parents from Cambodia, Ethiopia, Somalia, and Vietnam. Tsegay teaches in English, but there are four interpreters in the room as well.

Discussions about infants and young children focus on nutrition, safety and immunizations. Tsegay advocates that refugee parents acquiesce to one significant Western parenting method: putting babies on a feeding and sleeping schedule. Many Western women do this because they work outside the home, and many refugee women must meet this demand as well.

Homeland cultures are kept alive by re-telling family stories, wearing traditional clothing, not converting to Western religions and eating traditional foods.
When discussions at ReWA turn to older kids, the topics are school and discipline. Parents learn how they can become more involved in their child’s education, and they learn that in the U.S., corporal punishment is frowned upon.
In Tsegay’s opinion, spanking works in the short run, but not in the long. Children obey immediately out of fear of punishment, but it is not good for their relationship with their parents. Here again, she advocates disciplining the Western way, by withdrawing privileges, for example.
Pluralistic parenting “is rich,” she says. “If parents know both cultures, they can better answer their children’s questions.”

Nonetheless, a gap is widening. “Kids change fast,” says Tsegay. “They Americanize faster than their parents.” In support groups, participants complain that their children have no respect for their cultural heritage or their parents. They see this in children of all ages, not just adolescents. Kindergarteners have threatened to call 9-1-1 when they don’t get their way. They have been told at school that in this country they can call 9-1-1 if they are abused, but their notion of abuse is broad. Not getting ice cream is not abuse.

Refugee parents fear this more than other parents, because it could jeopardize their immigration status.
In addition, many refugee parents greatly value an education, something that may not have been available to them in their homeland. These parents are dismayed when their children are truant. “I can see their disappointment,” says Tsegay. It is as if the children have too much of a good thing, “too much freedom,” she says.

Many refugee parents have fled horrific conditions, so they are bewildered when kids act out. It is far from what they dreamed or imagined. “They have struggled to come to the U.S.,” says Argo. “‘I give up,’ they say.”

To prevent this from happening, ReWA mediates between the generations. They not only identify what each side wants and help them negotiate, they follow up afterward. Fortunately, they have some success stories to tell.

Demographic changes

There are a host of reasons why Western concepts of parenting are considered conventional wisdom in the United States. The dominance of Euro-American traditions and values in the U.S. social and political landscape as well as the continuation of unexamined practices have led to the current climate.

But as the ethnic landscape of our country is changing, so must experts in the field of parenting change to accommodate the new wealth of traditions and cultures.

As our country becomes ever more diverse, so do practices of all kinds, including child-rearing. What most parents around the world have foremost in mind is what is best for their children.

And what is best may be to get away from the dominant mainstream message that’s out of balance for families from non-European cultural backgrounds. What may work best may be a judicious mix of the old and the new, of the tried and true tips and practices from all cultural backgrounds that can be used to bring up healthy, well-adjusted and happy children.

Ethnopediatrics:

By Teru Osato Lundsten

Among the thousands of mainstream books published in the U.S. to help parents understand and raise children, we were able to find only one author who questioned the cultural bias of Western parenting resources and researched parenting practices around the world. Meredith Small, an anthropology professor at Cornell and author of the books “Our Babies, Ourselves” and “Kids: How Biology and Culture Shape the Way We Raise Our Children,” is the foremost expert on ethnopediatrics, the study of parenting across cultures.
Small says the orthodoxy of Western parenting resources needs to acknowledge the cultural, social and economic foundations of specific U.S. culture and experience.

Mainstream U.S. culture’s affluence, individualism and nuclear families have a large part in how American parenting practices developed. In other parts of the world, lack of resources, collectivist traditions and extended family networks created their own set of mores and expectations.
In “Our Babies, Ourselves,” Small traces the evolution of human babies, explaining why we are the most dependent infants on earth. Unlike a newborn deer, whose first and immediate task in life is to stand up, human babies are helpless.

Human fetuses have large heads, to accommodate large brains, and the human pelvis can expand only so far during labor, to enable bipedalism. Consequently, human beings are basically born neurologically unfinished, otherwise they wouldn’t make it through the birth canal. That’s why they need more help than any other species during their early development.
And that’s why human parents have so much to do, but there are many ways to do it.

Small compares parenting practices in three aboriginal and two industrial societies. She closely examines two extremes of human civilization, but not Third World countries.
She starts with the !Kung San of Botswana – or, as they are known in the West, the Bushmen of the Kalahari Desert. The San are some of the few remaining hunter/gatherer groups on Earth. No one owns anything. Food is shared, so no one goes hungry. The San sleep together outside, close to the fire; there is no concept of privacy.

Babies stay with their mothers at all times, slung on their mothers’ hips with good and constant access to the breast, seeing the world from the same vantage point as their mothers. San babies never cry for long. As they grow, they are never alone, eventually transitioning to a child group by the time a younger sibling is born.

San babies and children develop superior motor skills, skills that are essential to the San lifestyle. It is a priority with San parents to make sure their children are physically adept.

The parental goals of the traditional San can be summed up as being social integration, mobility and sharing.
Recently, some San have adopted a more settled lifestyle, which entails ownership of goods. This has radically altered their values. Huts are built far apart and cattle are more important than neighbors, says Small. The notion of sharing has disintegrated, privacy has become a need and children spend less time with their parents.

Small looks closely at two other subsistence cultures, the forest-dwelling Ache of Paraguay and the Gusii of Kenya. They are different from the !Kung San in many ways, and from each other, but all three cultures have similar child-rearing practices. Notably, babies are constantly with their mothers for the first several years of their lives.
Small then examines two industrial societies, one that values the “other,” and another the “self.” The first is Japan. The Japanese became modern and economically successful not through individual achievement, but rather with a sense of collectivity. As a relatively homogenous society, they have been able to apply the values of much smaller societies on a national level.

For the Japanese, as in many Asian cultures, obedience is implicit, and therefore “normal” expectations – as in Dr. Spock’s book – regarding corrective discipline are neither applicable nor useful. In her book “Kids,” Small contrasts the Japanese collective approach of early childhood education. “(In Japanese preschools) pressure to be good often comes from peers. In addition, teachers emphasize qualities such as empathy and pride in the group; they believe that intelligence can only be associated with self-control and good social behavior. There are no isolated timeouts, nor are there any kids who do not want to participate in group activities.” In these environments, Small says, children do not need to be taught to share, since that is their default inclination.

In the United States, the last society scrutinized by Small, the parental goal is the child’s eventual independence. Parental efforts to foster independence start from Day One.
Physical contact with infants is minimal compared to other societies. There are strollers, cribs and other paraphernalia in which babies are placed. Only half of American babies are breast-fed, and even then it’s only for about five months, on average. If done in public, breast-feeding must be discreet. Many babies are fed on a schedule, and as they grow they are often introduced to solid foods according to detailed charts. They often don’t have the same mealtimes or bedtime as the rest of the family.

Babies cry a lot, and parents do not always feel it is necessary to respond, at least not right away.
The American family is a conjugal unit and parental privacy is key. It is important that the baby sleep in a separate bed, usually in a separate room, as soon as possible.
Many Americans rarely see infants at all until they become parents, when they learn parenting skills from doctors and books. A favorite book for generations, Benjamin Spock’s “Dr. Spock’s and Baby Child Care,” first published in 1946, is now 992 pages and in its eighth edition.

American babies are regarded as “bundles of potential,” says Small, and a good parent is one who uncovers that potential. Many parents see themselves as teachers rather than protectors (whereas Gusii parents do not make a concerted effort to teach their children anything). Americans stimulate their babies, starting with baby talk and hanging bright mobiles above the crib (whereas Gusii mothers do not interact verbally with their babies).

American parents are concerned with the developmental stages of childhood, and are expected to know the norms of those stages, most of which have been established by testing white, middle-class babies. This does not realistically reflect the experiences of the many ethnicities in the country. Small cites the example of Latino babies, who for a variety of reasons are born smaller than white babies. Latino parents would be spared unnecessary worry about their newborns if norms were more culturally sensitive.

In the U.S., says Small, “Having children is just like any job. … one which can ultimately be judged a success or a failure.” This suggests that in other cultures parenting is not considered work or something to be judged.

Small then addresses the issues of sleeping, crying, and feeding, which she calls “the triumvirate of infancy.”
For most of human history, babies and children have slept with either their mothers or both parents. In many parts of the world they still do so today. According to Small, the U.S. is the only society in which babies routinely sleep alone. In fact, she says that American babies spend 67.5 percent of their time alone.

Co-sleeping is biologically advantageous because the breathing of babies and their mothers is remarkably in sync when they are sleeping together, with the neurologically incomplete baby “learning” to breathe regularly from the mother, as if she were a metronome.

It is interesting to note that a bestseller in the U.S., “The No-Cry Solution” by Elizabeth Pantley, claims to help parents teach their babies to fall asleep without breast- or bottle-feeding or using a pacifier.

Small points out that the incidence of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) in the United States is the highest in the world. Whether or not there is a correlation between solitary sleeping and SIDS is a matter of controversy, but she discusses it openly.

A baby’s crying is the only way it can communicate its needs. It is a call for engagement, a signal for some sort of change, and “the infant expects a response from their environment,” pediatrician T. Berry Brazelton says.
All babies cry, but non-Western babies cry much less than Western babies, according to Small. The difference is how quickly their mothers respond. Non-Western mothers respond within seconds, but Western mothers don’t respond as quickly.

Small says that American mothers “deliberately do not respond to 46 percent of crying episodes during the baby’s first three months of life.” Consistent with the American cultural imperative of fostering independence, this may be an attempt to teach children early on to work out their problems on their own.

Colic is another controversial topic. Colic is commonly regarded as an infant’s pathological reaction to some mysterious internal distress – mysterious because there is rarely anything physically wrong with the baby. In fact, pediatrician Ronald Barr says that “colic is something infants do, not something they have.” Non-Western parents rarely complain of having a colicky baby.

Small concludes that Western babies cry for extended periods “because the accepted and culturally composed caretaking style is often at odds with infant biology. … Babies are still stuck with their Pleistocene (Ice Age) biology despite our modern age.”

This is the crux of her entire book: the conflict between culture and infant biology. She infers that in preparing children for adulthood, when they will experience different pressures depending on their culture, this conflict is more obvious in some cultures than others.

Breast-feeding is another issue that highlights this conflict. The biological advantages to breast-feeding are many: Both nutrients and protectants are transferred from mother to infant until the child develops its own immune system.

During the industrial revolution, in 1867, the first baby formula was developed by a German chemist, enabling Western women to work away from home and their babies. Baby formula became big business in the West, and eventually in Third World countries as well.

But both history and cross-cultural studies show that when more babies are fed with formula, depriving them of important nutrients and protectants, more babies die. According to Small, UNICEF estimates that 1.5 million babies die each year worldwide because they are not breast-fed, and the U.S. National Institute of Environmental Health and Safety estimates that four out of every 1,000 babies in the United States die each year for the same reason.

In recent years, underdeveloped countries have begun to combat the invasion of Western feeding practices. In Papua New Guinea, for example, a prescription is now required to buy a baby bottle.

No one parenting approach is “right” or “wrong,” even if parents might think so. Western parents aren’t the only ones who need to be reminded of this, says Small. Efé pygmies in Zaire, for example, pass a nursing infant from one lactating woman to another, a practice which would appall a !Kung San mother.

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1. The right to exist
2. The right to need
3. The right to have support
4. The right to freedom
5. The right to love

For each of these stages or "rites of passage," Grille writes about what is going on within the child at this time: developmental needs, emotional needs and learning skills, as well as "most-wounding" experiences, how experiences shape emotional makeup and beliefs, how emotional wounds affect behavior, and the social impact of wounds.